I’m completely ass backwards in my thinking. One minute all I can think about is how I want to be in a relationship and be cared for deeply. Then the next I’m asking 5 different guys to come over and fuck. This isn’t okay. This is not okay. I’m so bad with delayed gratification and I hate going without sex. But if I sleep with them, it won’t go anywhere else. It never does.
Though it’s cold and lonely in the deep dark night, I can see paradise by the dashboard lights. -Meat Loaf
I lost something I wrote about Zach a long time ago. I’m terrified because I remember typing it onto the computer but then I think I tore up the hard copy. Omg. I’m so upset.
I look up from the table and the first thing I see is you. I have to force myself not to smile. I have to make myself remember the bad times, not the good times; you used to be a god to me. Now I’m forcing myself to frown at you. All I ever wanted was your love. I wanted all your love. From the day I saw you sitting in French class, I knew I wanted you all to myself. I came close to having it, but never got it all. I got small bits of you that weren’t promised to someone else. I got the words you could only say when sleep was closing in; words that you could take back in the morning. Now it’s almost time for our ‘last’ goodbye. After this I will be done with you and move on to some new boy. And don’t you dare try to nuzzle your way back into my life after this. From this moment on, I am done with you. No matter how much I love you, I am done.